Welcome to episode 10!
This latest episode of The Miscarriage Dads podcast addresses my reasons for the extended period without the release of an episode and the tumultuous period I've been navigating.
However, the purpose of this episode is to highlight the extraordinary stories we've received cementing the value of this space for grieving men and fathers who renounce the idea of suffering in silence. Our community's extraordinary courage shines through in this episode, and it's your stories that propel our mission forward, to cultivate a space that recognizes the toll of these devastating experiences on a father's heart.
Chris and I are eager to reconvene and bring more of the conversations that resonate with you and your experiences. Until our next episode, we remind you that in times of loss, the importance of self-care and kindness cannot be overstated. We stand with you in your stories of heartache and hope, and are endlessly grateful for the chance to walk this path alongside you.
Sincerely,
Kelly & Chris
Follow on IG @themiscarriagedad
Email themiscarriagedad@gmail.com
Make sure you subscribe!
Write us a review!
Welcome to episode 10!
This latest episode of The Miscarriage Dads podcast addresses my reasons for the extended period without the release of an episode and the tumultuous period I've been navigating.
However, the purpose of this episode is to highlight the extraordinary stories we've received cementing the value of this space for grieving men and fathers who renounce the idea of suffering in silence. Our community's extraordinary courage shines through in this episode, and it's your stories that propel our mission forward, to cultivate a space that recognizes the toll of these devastating experiences on a father's heart.
Chris and I are eager to reconvene and bring more of the conversations that resonate with you and your experiences. Until our next episode, we remind you that in times of loss, the importance of self-care and kindness cannot be overstated. We stand with you in your stories of heartache and hope, and are endlessly grateful for the chance to walk this path alongside you.
Sincerely,
Kelly & Chris
Follow on IG @themiscarriagedad
Email themiscarriagedad@gmail.com
Make sure you subscribe!
Write us a review!
This is the Miss Carriage Dads podcast, a podcast humanizing the experience of Miss Carriage by normalizing dads openly talking about its impact on us as men and fathers. Welcome to the short episode of the Miss Carriage Dads podcast. So let's address the elephant in the room. What's up with the silence? What's up with the lack of engagement? What's up with the absence on social media, as well as on the podcast platforms? Wherever you're listening to this episode and wherever you have listened to other episodes? It's been a while I acknowledge that it's been a while since we've released a conversation, chris and I and you'll notice that it is only Kelly's voice that you are hearing in this episode, and that is because Chris is recovering from a personal matter and he texted me this morning and said that he is almost. He's basically cleared. There's just a couple more things to button up and by next week we will get back together on the mic and restart this whole thing. But it's been a while since we've released a conversation. It's been a while since you've heard my voice. It's been a while since you've heard his voice. In fact, it's even been a while since he and I had an extended conversation in the manner that we have it on the podcast, at least as it pertains to my end. Let me explain what has been going on without getting into too much detail. So, obviously, at the end of last year, that time of year is just chaotic because of the back to back holidays and hosting people or traveling, and it's just, it's just a lot. And so we decided that, because of how compact things are at that time of year and of year, that it would be best to just hit, pause and resume whenever the time was right. So at the start of the year, now, in 2024, happy new year, by the way since we haven't connected in quite some some time.
Speaker 1:Since the start of the year, I've personally been experiencing a period of turmoil, a period of transition. It's been difficult to navigate, it's been difficult to even find language to put around it. Simply put, I am at a place where I am dealing with a lot of bottled up anger, I am dealing with burnout at work, I am dealing with the weight of expectations that I've set for myself, I am dealing with an extended period of instability in terms of the day to day function of my family life, and all of this is just continuing to intensify and hats and has continued to intensify for a while, and it's taken a mental toll. It's taken an emotional toll, and it's forced me to ask myself deep existential questions, to take stock of where I am in life currently and just asking simple but profound questions, and one of those questions is am I satisfied with the way my life is going right now? And the answer to that question is no, and so that in itself has many implications, and so working through and figuring out and navigating and identifying the things that are important for me to identify has taken a lot of emotional, mental and spiritual energy. That's contributed to my absence and my lack of engagement with my audience, with you, my audience, for such an extended period of time, and so I sincerely just want to apologize for that. I'm not apologizing for the things that I've gone through. I am apologizing, though, for taking this long to open up about it, because the whole concept, the whole purpose, the whole thrust of the Miss Carriage Dads podcast is to encourage men and fathers who have experienced loss to be open and to be transparent and to actually speak up sooner rather than later in their experience, to cry for help, to seek for help, to connect with other people who can help, and On my end, in this case, I have not lived that, I have not done that, I have not modeled that, and so, whatever it's worth to you, I apologize for my absence, for my silence and for the seeming double standard, even though that might be too strong of a word, but that's where I am, that's where I've been. I am not on the other side of where I've been or what I've just described. I'm still in the thick of it. I am trying to figure out how to change things that are within my power to change, so that I can begin to build the things that I want to build and find the fulfillment that is lacking in my life in this phase of life currently.
Speaker 1:The other thing that I want to mention, which has contributed to the silence, is something that a friend of mine helped me to identify recently in a conversation that I was having with him, and it was so perceptive, it was so profound, it was so obvious, but it was too obvious for me to even make the connection myself. Ironically and you'll understand why I say ironically in a bit I have been bottling up this anger inside of me. Part of this anger is a result of just work circumstances and just the shenanigans that happen at work. But I've shared this on this platform before in conversations with Chris what I do and the kind of setting that I work in and I work in a high acuity health setting for children, a pediatric setting, and I'm a spiritual care provider, which means that I provide support to patients, to family members, to staff in a high acuity pediatric setting. So you can imagine the worst of the worst and you can imagine the best case scenario and everything in between.
Speaker 1:I have dealt with all of it in the last half decade that I've been in my place of work. What my friend shared with me, just this simple statement that he made when I was talking to him about just how angry I've been feeling and sort of knowing where part of that anger originates from, but also not knowing where the whole thing comes from. And he said something to the effect of dude. Of course you're angry. You work in a setting where you're constantly being reminded subconsciously of the losses that you've experienced and every time you come across someone who is experiencing their version of loss, it plays onto what my experience is and it just intensifies this deep anger or this deep thing that, for me has manifested into what is anger, and so I've been angry.
Speaker 1:I've been angry and I don't know where that anger is fully directed to. And I know that throughout the course of this pause that you've experienced, this hiatus, this absence, this lack of engagement on social media and on the platform that you're listening to this conversation, my anger has been directed at myself. It's been directed at my circumstances. It's been directed at people at work. I have been cautious to not directed towards people in my family, and it's been difficult to handle and to wrestle with.
Speaker 1:Now, I haven't gone as far as to blow up in any type of way that I would regret, like I haven't blacked out and cut somebody's mama out or anything like that, but I have been functioning like what's been sourcing my behavior, my movement, my what's the word I'm looking for my disposition, the way that I present myself, for the most part has been anger, and I'm realizing that, and I have realized, partly because of this friend, that this anger has everything to do with the fact that I have yet to process more deeply the hurt that I've experienced time and time again because of the losses that I've experienced, and I can't tell you in this precise moment how this anger directly correlates to the losses that I've experienced, but I would be a fool to assume or to pretend that it doesn't have absolutely anything to do with it. And, just like becoming a father, changed my outlook on life, these losses have also shifted the way that I see things and shifted my priorities, and shifted the way I think about my life's work from here on out and the things that I wanna do, the things that I wanna build, the connections that I wanna make, the services that I want to provide, the ecosystem that I want to create so that other men and fathers who have gone through and are going through or will go through similar things that I've gone through can be better supported and maybe they will have better coping mechanisms, as a result of what I've created, to cope with their emotions of anger or sadness, or loneliness or whatever the case may be. So this is what's been going on in the background. This is the behind the scenes of the silence that you have heard from me, the lack of engagement that you have not gotten or that you have gotten from me. Rather, and I wanna be open, I want to be transparent, I want to be honest with you.
Speaker 1:This is all part of the process. This is all part of the process, and so I wanna hear from you what is something that you've noticed about yourself that may be correlated to the loss that you've experienced, either recently or some time ago? And, believe me, as I'm discovering, if you've never addressed it or if you've never continued to address parts of it, as the days unfold, in the months and the years Unfold, maybe you're experiencing something similar. Maybe you haven't even made the connection, but think deeply about it and I think you may come to the realization that it is absolutely connected, but perhaps not not in a linear way. So I want, I want to hear from you, I want to hear what your, your experience is. I want to hear where you are now, currently, presently, in your journey.
Speaker 1:This next part is significant because, in the midst of everything that I've just explained and the things that I've been going through and that's just the tip of the iceberg, obviously, what I, what I just talked about, but in the middle of all of that, I have been experiencing this lack of fulfillment, as I've said, and in terms of where I am in life and and just all sorts of feelings About what I want to to build through this platform and through this podcast, and I've been lacking motivation, I've been lacking inspiration, I've been lacking some juice, and there are some of you who, in a paradoxical way, have reached out to me in crucial moments to give me the inspiration that I've been lacking, to provide the juice that I've been missing to, to give me the pick me up that I desperately needed and have honestly carried me to the point of Turning this microphone back on and recording this monologue. So, before I move any further, allow me to just say thank you sincerely, deeply, from the innermost part of my being. I want to say thank you To those of you who have reached out in your moment of loss, in your moment of pain, to Share and and express to me what this podcast has meant to you and the value of Of you finding my voice, chris's voice, to help you Along your grief journey. And this is what this is all about. The paradox of this is that, because you've reached out to me, that means that you've experienced a loss. I am so devastated that you are part of this unfortunate brotherhood of men who have experienced pregnancy loss and you've had to not just Figure out how to support yourself, but to support your female partner as she was Experiencing a miscarriage in her body. You I just want to read off a few testimonials from people who have either emailed me or sent me messages on Instagram, and to protect their identity, I will not say their name, but I will read the messages that they've sent to me and talk about what receiving these messages has meant to me. In this weird, paradoxical way. The first message says I appreciate this podcast so much.
Speaker 1:My wife and I had a D and E yesterday for our second miscarriage. It's been really hard dealing with the non-bedside manner of the doctors and nurses when telling us the baby may not make it. Once my baby girl died, it frustrated me that everyone addressed my wife and not me, although we both are going through the same loss. But this podcast helps me to grieve my loss and for once, let me know that I'm not the only man who has been through this situation. I don't know why, as men, we don't talk about this. The day I was in the hospital for the D and E, my boy called me and checked in on me. I told him what was going on and he stated that he was here for me, and then, and only then, did he tell me that he went through this twice as well. Why don't we talk to each other when this happens? We could support one another as men when we go through this devastating event. But again, thank you for this podcast and I hope you keep it going. Man.
Speaker 1:To the person who wrote these words, again, I am so devastated that you now belong to this lifelong fraternity of lost dads and you are so right in the points that you made, and this is the reason why this podcast is important and this is the reason why I feel so passionately about doing this and growing this and expanding this into something bigger and more tangible and more and more presence and more hands on for for men to not just encourage this dialogue that needs to happen between men who have experienced this and their friends and community members, but to also find the support and the resources, the real, actual resources that we need as men and fathers, and also to educate those in the medical field, those in our social circles, how to acknowledge and how to engage with you and I as men when we have gone through this experience of loss to miscarriage. So you are so spot on and let me just say that receiving this message when I did was a breath of fresh air. I remember this message in particular because I woke up that morning and I opened my email and that was the first email that I saw and it breathed new life into me in a moment where I was doubting whether or not this was even worth it. And so thank you for for fanning the flame that my flame that was beginning to die out. And in the midst of this very difficult and painful and unfortunate circumstance, for you to take the time to reach out and to describe what finding the miscarriage dads podcast meant to you and the value that it has for you in your journey means everything to me, and if Chris were listening and part of this conversation, he would say the same thing that it means the world to him as well. And, in fact, I did share this message with Chris and he was moved by the words that that I just read. So, thank you, thank you very much.
Speaker 1:Another message I received said this Kelly, I started listening to the first episode yesterday afternoon on Spotify. We lost our baby two weeks ago at nine weeks pregnant. I literally wrote down Miss Carriage app actually seems cheesy typing that, but Miss Carriage app for grieving. Yesterday morning, my wife has all the apps for everything baby making and being pregnant at gym on a long bike ride. I don't use headphones anymore either, but yesterday I did and I typed in Miss Carriage, father, dad, and a female lead podcast came up. Then one other male podcast, but not real experience. Then I found yours and Chris interesting that it's the last few months of 2023, that y'all got it probably too soon or maybe not, and probably need clearance from my wife, but if there's any way to help, let me know. Maybe help is really me wanting to face this. Chris said that he has had a lot of hard days and I resemble that, but this, well, you both know man this is.
Speaker 1:This is yet another message that moved me because of the timeliness of when this person has found this podcast, and it again speaks to the value of what it is that Chris and I are lending our voices to and what it is that I am. I am striving to build this ecosystem to support men who have gone through this. There is so much out there for moms to find the support that they need, to find the resources that they need, and that is 100% awesome. There is a part of me that truly envies that. It's not envy in a negative way, it's an envy that motivates me to push further, to push harder, to push more intensely so that this ecosystem that I am passionate about creating the podcast being a small part of it, but a significant part of it so that there may be a day where the resources for moms, the resources for dads, are as numerous as the sand on the seashore.
Speaker 1:Again, in your moment of pain and grief and sadness, to say that my voice, chris's voice, meant something to you and help carry you through the early phases of your grief. And that moment means everything to me and again, if Chris were here, he would say it means everything to him as well. So to you I say thank you, thank you for taking the time to reach out and express those words. Here's another one. I found your podcast. My wife and I are going through a miscarriage currently and only halfway through the first episode. I wanted to just say thank you. Just hearing other dads talk about the experience from our point of view is so emotionally supportive. I'm looking forward to crying through the episodes as I go through my journey. Now that's a strong man right there. Thank you again. And I don't know why for this message or for this messenger. I wanted to.
Speaker 1:I followed up with a question and I asked them how it is that he found the podcast, because I was curious. The other two that came before his message. I failed to ask that question, but I was moved to ask him how is it that he found the podcast specifically? And he responded and said I find that I like to process things with almost self-conversation. Listening to something like talk radio, whether it's sports or politics, and responding to myself helps to work through points of view in my head. Finding out about the miscarriage, I needed to hear people talk about it. I researched an Apple podcast for miscarriage and looked at a few titles. They were women-centric until I saw yours. And here I am.
Speaker 1:So I kept in contact with this person, as I have done with the others, just to check in and find out how they are. Probably check in once or twice, not to be overbearing or anything like that, and so with this particular sender, after this period of checking in, I sort of just let things stay where they were. And recently he reached back out to me and this is the most recent message that he sent. He said Hi, kelly, I hope you are doing well. I can't thank you and Chris enough for the work you did with the podcast. I've listened to the first eight episodes.
Speaker 1:Episode nine just the intro was too much at the moment and I respect that. I mean, this is so perceptive. This is really heavy matter. This is a heavy subject matter and, depending on where you are and depending on your temperament and your disposition and your grief journey, it's okay for you to hit pause for as long as you need to, and so I appreciate this person saying listen, just the intro to episode nine was a lot and so I couldn't do it and he stopped. So I encourage you to be mindful of where you are, of how you're feeling, when you're feeling it and what it is that you need to do in that moment so that you can get through that moment.
Speaker 1:So he said I've listened to the first eight episodes and I wanted to let you both know how helpful they were. They've allowed me to find language to use when talking about this whole process with my wife and, candidly, with myself as well. Your descriptive, honest language about the emotional journeys that you both and guests are so valuable to me that I will always carry them with me the rest of my life. My journey to get here is a little different as well. In parenthesis, he says I have three kids already, ages 10, 7 and 5. Listening to you both allowed me to not feel guilty about feeling sad and allowed the emotions even with three healthy, beautiful children already. I will forever be grateful to have found your voices in a time of need.
Speaker 1:He continues and he says one question I had, and maybe a topic for the future, is how and when to discuss trying again after miscarriage, what that process was like for you, the fears of trying again, and what if your partner doesn't want to try again. We are six weeks out from our DNC and I'm just starting to feel the thoughts of the joys of having baby again creeping back into my mind. My wife and I haven't discussed it yet and I'm cautious to not broach the topic with fear of it not being the right time Again. Thank you immensely. Both of you, you and Chris will forever be part of my life and part of the healing I've been able to healthily accomplish that part right there. That is the bread and butter, that is the fuel in my tank. That is always the end goal, man as men, there are a plethora of options and opportunities for us to handle these difficult, these challenging, these life altering situations in all sorts of ways and depending, again, on your temperament, depending on your circumstances.
Speaker 1:And I'm going to speak generally here most of us and listen, myself included. I'm not even going to speak generally, I'm going to speak about myself. I did not know how to healthily cope with my grief, with my loss, until I realized that I needed to change the ways that I was coping. And to this day, to this day, there is so much more work that needs to be done and there are still so many ways that I am coping that are not healthy. One in particular is this whole avoidance thing, this whole avoidance that has led to the brewing of this deeply rooted anger that had kept me away from speaking to you until today.
Speaker 1:So that last part, and I also want to highlight the fact that I appreciate this sender giving me suggestions, giving Chris and I suggestions for topics to explore, because these are things that we absolutely are going to talk about, at least in my experience. I relate to that question of how do you even start talking about trying again, and also the aspect of listen. We have kids already, so why am I still feeling sad? Why am I still feeling bad? Why does this still hurt? And it is absolutely worth going deep into those conversations to explore what there is to explore. So, whatever your experience is, however you feel like you can contribute. If you don't want to lend your voice on recording for the masses to hear, that is fine. I respect that.
Speaker 1:But if there is something about your experience that you wonder about, if there is something that you recall having difficulty with, if your experience is removed from where you are today or in the midst of it right now, as you're going through it, if there's something in particular that you feel like you are struggling with and you just don't know and after listening to a few of these episodes you realize, man, I wonder why they haven't spoken about it yet Bring it to our attention. Bring it to our attention themiscarriagedadcom. You can find the Miscarriage Dad account on Instagram. Send us a message, send us an email, bring it to our attention, because we'll be happy to explore it, to research it, to talk about it, and if we don't have that as part of our experience, I will find somebody. Chris will find somebody. He will find some way to get you a response.
Speaker 1:We don't give answers, we don't give advice. We respond to things and in the sharing of my experience, in the sharing of Chris's experience, in the collective sharing of our experience, we can come to the understandings that we need to come to in order for us to get through the things that we need to get through. So there are many other things that I can read People who have left comments and reviews on Apple Podcasts, the page. Thank you for those comments, thank you for those reviews. If you have yet to do that, please rate the podcast on the platform that you're listening to. Leave us a review. All of that helps. All of that helps to widen the scope of the reach of this podcast.
Speaker 1:And again, it's uncomfortable, for me at least, because when someone reaches out like these folks have reached out, I am incredibly grateful that they have, as I've expressed, and I'm also incredibly devastated because ideally, it would be more awesome if no one ever reached out, if I were the only one who has gone through this experience, but the fact that men continue to reach out to me and Chris means that, on a daily basis, there are more and more dads who find themselves part of this unfortunate fraternity, unfortunate brotherhood of dads who have experienced loss to miscarriage. And so, while I'm incredibly thankful and grateful for your words of encouragement and for your words of expressing how beneficial this project, this podcast, has been for you, again I am devastated. I am so devastated, and I'm reminded of my own devastation, that we now share something in common. So let's put our hands on the plow together. Well, that's an old reference. Let's put our hands in the mix together.
Speaker 1:How can you lend your voice to this effort to encourage men to talk about their loss experience, to educate our society, to normalize me and you as men and fathers, openly talking about our loss experience? How can we change the culture? One conversation at a time, one effort at a time, and I wanna hear from you. I wanna hear your ideas, I wanna hear your thoughts, I wanna hear your suggestions, I wanna hear all of it. And if you are someone who are able to support this podcast through sponsorship in any way, shape or form, hey, my door is always open If this is something that resonates with you or you know someone who would be interested in supporting something like this and helping me take this to the next level. I wanna hear from you too, because this is what I wanna do full time. This is the work that I want to do. This is the work that I want to leave behind as my contribution to the human race, a space where men and fathers have felt, seen, heard and come to accomplish a more healthy way of dealing with this really painful experience. So let's talk.
Speaker 1:The Miss Carriage Dad at gmailcom. The Miss Carriage Dads on Instagram. Thank you once again for your continued support, thank you for your understanding, thank you for your words of encouragement. Thank you for every download, thank you for every listen, thank you for every like on the post. Thank you for every follow on Instagram. Thank you for even spending two seconds considering whether or not you wanna listen to one episode. All of it, absolutely all of it, does not go unappreciated or unnoticed. So thank you, thank you, thank you. Chris and I are looking forward to getting back together and diving deeper into more conversations and exploring until we chat again. Be safe, be well, treat yourself with kindness and remember that you are not alone in this journey of grief that you're on. Thank you.