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BLAW 2025 - Talking Platitudes with Miscarriage Mumma Support

• Kelly Jean-Philippe

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Four words can slice through a tender moment of grief: “At least it was” (now, fill in the blank). We’ve heard it, we’ve felt the sting, and we wanted to unpack why platitudes show up so easily—especially around miscarriage—and what to say (and not say) when someone you love is hurting. Sophie from Miscarriage Mumma Support joins us again to explore the complex reality of baby loss, the social pressure to “look on the bright side,” and the deeper work of choosing presence over pat answers.

We talk about why people reach for platitudes in the first place: discomfort, fear, and the reflex to fix what can’t be fixed. Together, we examine the false hierarchy of loss that pits experiences against each other, and we share how separating spaces—loss, trying after loss, pregnancy after loss—can actually reduce comparison and increase care. You’ll hear concrete language swaps, gentle questions that open a door instead of closing one, and simple ways to show up that don’t require a solution: sitting in silence, remembering dates, checking in after the initial shock fades.

This conversation also looks at the “good vibes only” mindset and how it slips into support as quick tips and toxic positivity. We reflect on cultural habits that push activity over acknowledgment—from pep talks to one-size-fits-all “fixes”—and why real healing starts with being witnessed. If you’ve ever struggled with what to say, or if platitudes have left you feeling unseen, this episode offers a compassionate, practical framework: get comfortable being uncomfortable, ask better questions, and let people lead their own stories.

If this resonated, share it with someone who wants to support better, subscribe for future conversations, and leave a review to help others find the show. Your voice helps change the way we show up for grief.


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Visit Miscarriage Mumma for more information and resources. 

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SPEAKER_02:

So the ones we hoped for but never met. And the ones whose time with us was all to brief. This is dead always. Fatherhood.

SPEAKER_01:

And for audiences of the podcast, when we were the Miscarriage Death podcast, you already know who Sophie is. You will recognize her voice. You already know her work. But for anyone who is new to our audience, Sophie, why don't you go ahead and introduce yourself so that the new audience can be acclimated with the wonderful person that you are?

SPEAKER_00:

Okay, so my name's Sophie. I run Miscarriage Mama Support. And we support people who have experienced baby loss at any stage of pregnancy. We run peer support groups via WhatsApp. We've got an online presence on social media. And we also provide care packs to hospitals within the UK. And they get given out to anyone who's experienced baby loss at any stage of pregnancy. So yeah, we basically support anyone who's experienced baby loss, whether that be early or um at full gestation.

SPEAKER_01:

And obviously, you have personal vested interest in this work because of your story. So I'll link the conversations that you and I have had in the past to this episode. And we're linking up again in really short notice. I reached out to you yesterday, and here we are. So thank you for that. And this is a series of conversations that we're having, obviously, during uh baby loss awareness week. Very briefly, if if if that's even possible, what has been sort of the vibe in the UK surrounding baby loss?

SPEAKER_00:

The I think it's still very much a taboo subject. Um we've had quite a few celebrities recently speaking out about baby loss, which is always a massive support for the community. It raises awareness. And sadly, with anything in society, once someone who's popular socially, whether that be through fame or being an influencer, as soon as they speak out about something, it kind of becomes a trend a little bit, doesn't it? I mean, if that's support in a community that needs support, then what an amazing thing to be able to have. So um, yeah, although it's still quite a dispute subject, I think the amount of people speaking out, the high-profile people speaking out about baby loss at the minute, has done amazing things for moving us forward as a society and a community.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, and this year's theme for baby loss awareness is um supporting together or something along those lines. So, in light of that, I reached out to you to be part of this conversation that uh we're about to get into. And the spin that I want to bring to this collective awareness is something that you and I had spoken about before when we last chatted on the podcast, which is the overall theme of platitudes. And so if we are raising this collective awareness around baby loss, I think one of the best ways to also um foster that environment of unity and and empathy and collective understanding is very much so in paying attention to what people say and uh to bereav parents. So that's gonna be the the theme of this series of conversations and uh what we're gonna talk about today. We're gonna talk about platitudes.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. I feel like uh if someone could write a book about that and just hand it out. Like what a great educational tool.

SPEAKER_01:

You know, maybe maybe we should collaborate on that.

SPEAKER_00:

There's a project, isn't it?

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, maybe we should collaborate on that. So the um the one that we're gonna talk about is particularly after a miscarriage, where someone says, at least it was early, or at least you know you can get pregnant.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

When was that said to you? How was that said to you? And what was your response after that was said to you?

SPEAKER_00:

I mean, I I feel like I've heard it multiple times. Um, but I remember joining a support group that I'd found on Facebook. It was a WhatsApp group local to where I'm based. Um, and I joined this group really hopeful of meeting people who kind of got it. And it was a real mixed group of people. And so I joined, wrote my first message, and then I just remember this this lady who needed a lot of support, and I totally get it with with peer groups, particularly, just replied saying, Well, at least you know you can get pregnant. And then there was somebody else in there who'd had gone full term, she'd delivered the baby, and the baby had sadly passed away shortly after. And she was like, Well, but at least it was early. And it was very it was just a really weird space. And I've had it from doctors, family members, friends, and I think it's that thing of people just sometimes don't know what to say. So they just say they try and put a positive spin, isn't it? It's that toxic posity of I mean, if you're starting a sentence with at least what you're about to say is probably really invalidating and not that sympathetic or empathetic. Yes. Um, I think people just say what they feel comfortable saying, or what or kind of what's comfortable within their minds to say. And I think if you haven't experienced miscarriage or baby loss, you kind of just want to shut those conversations down sometimes, I think. And it's maybe not thing something that people want to explore that much that they want to get really deep in the conversation. So they'll just throw that positive, well, at least it wasn't this, it would at least it wasn't that. Um, but it's so invalidating for people.

SPEAKER_01:

Let's dive deeper into that, what you just said, because so I was thinking about what angle to approach this whole series of conversations. And I think I want to start it, or I want to approach it from the standpoint of giving people the benefit of the doubt. Yeah. Now, I think that is the majority, right? There is a small minority of people who say stupid things just because they're just that type of person. But I don't think that the majority of people who say platitudes in those moments, it's necessary coming from a place of malice or from um a place of wanting to diminish or to dismiss or or to um pacify your your experience. I I I generally think it's it comes from a place of of discomfort. So here is here's the question that we're going to to explore for the next several several minutes. If platitudes are intellectually lazy, and we can all agree that platitudes are intellectually uh lazy statements that people say. So if they're intellectually lazy, they're often emotionally hallowed, how come they feature so commonly in the ways in which we speak with each other, particularly in these moments of deep discomfort? Are they a necessary social lubricant for navigating difficult situations, or are they a symptom of a deeper inability to engage in very difficult conversations that require nuance and that are very complex? So I know that's a mouthful that we just said, but let's just let's just explore whatever aspect of of that question uh for the next several minutes here.

SPEAKER_00:

Of who can honestly put their hands up and say, I like being uncomfortable. I don't think anyone really likes being uncomfortable. And I think if you haven't got lived experience of things, and I think everyone's guilty of this to a degree, we don't go looking for things that make us uncomfortable. So if someone hasn't experienced baby loss, they would never really probably have looked into it deep enough to understand the complexities of it and the emotions that go with it, the physical, the hormones, the mental side of it. So you kind of just see it as, and I I'm saying this from the the best place possible. Um, because I know that this is not the case, but they see it from you've lost something you never had.

SPEAKER_01:

So you're speaking specifically in the context of a miscarriage, yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

So you so they might just be relating it to something as basic as that. And is that right? Not really. Would you put in a bit more thought and compassion and empathy into it be better? A hundred percent. But I think people just see things on a very surface level when they haven't lived it because they don't want to be uncomfortable, they don't want to look at uncomfortable things, and I think it's not right. But realistically, there's probably things that we all can't truly empathize with because we haven't experienced it, we haven't deep dived into it that much.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, and and and just to again highlight the the the complexity of what we're talking about, unless you've gone through some form of baby loss, like you say, you really just you you you just don't understand. And uh it's awesome that you don't have that understanding because no one wants anyone to experience that, whether it be a miscarriage, a stillbirth, uh, some form of losing your child in any way, shape, or form is the most, I I I sincerely believe it, is the most horrific thing that can happen to you. So if you've never walked that path, you really have no way of understanding what that is. And so that is a factual statement.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Also, watching someone who's going through that, whether it be a miscarriage, and and I want to focus mostly on the miscarriage piece, not because your organization is also focused on miscarriage, but I think it brings about a different nuance that was highlighted in the comment that this other mom that you mentioned earlier who had a full-term baby who then passed away. And then she said, Well, at least it was early.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Right. And so there's this, there's this continuum, it seems like, or there is this spectrum where it's it's almost like, well, if it happens before you meet the child, then it cannot be as or maybe it shouldn't be. I don't know what the right thing is. You know what I'm saying? But it's it's it's almost like, well, at least you didn't get to meet the child that I did. And so mine is worse than yours. And I'm definitely reading into this, right? So these are these are all these are all the things because with a miscarriage, it tends to happen early on. Um many miscarriages happen without even the the the person knowing that they were pregnant to begin with. And then if it does happen after a home pregnancy test or some confirmation of something going on, there was the knowledge. But either way, it's it's it's a loss that's occurred.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Right?

SPEAKER_00:

So to to say something or anything that like takes away from it, it's like that hierarchy, isn't it, of loss? And it always feels like so we in our peer groups, we separate people out. So, and that's not to cause any level of division, but it is baby loss, trying to conceive after loss, and pregnancy after loss. You can be in it all of those groups, but it's just knowing that space. And I think if you're all in a space where you're talking about loss, and my personal experience was the group was people who couldn't get pregnant, who had had still birth or still stillborns, people who'd had early losses, and it was just it was kind of just everyone was in one space, needing different things. And I think that's the thing, isn't it, of identifying the the different needs and not having any level of hierarchy within like I don't understand still b stillbirth because I've not experienced it. I can only imagine how horrendous that is based on how I felt having a miscarriage. But then in doing that and saying things like that, I'm also aware that I'm invalidating my experience and setting that level of hierarchy as well within my own mental framework of it, it's so comp complex, isn't it?

SPEAKER_01:

It is, and so that's why I think approaching it from this standpoint of giving people the benefit of the doubt, because even for in what you just said, right, as the person who has experienced the loss, it's complex to even wrap your mind around how to how to talk about it, how to relate to different types of of losses. So if it's that complex for for us as the people who've experienced it, imagine how much more so it's how much more complicated it is for those who have not experienced it.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

So that's the reality. Now, switching the focus though, from the perspective of the person who has not experienced it, I think having that awareness in itself should dictate or at least should frame the way in which that person shows up for you, for me while experiencing the loss. And to say, and even for apparently, even for people who have experienced losses, to say anything, at least it was early, does feel like a way of avoiding really facing how utterly not just complex but devastating and and and painful and hurtful it is. Like we're hiding or we're running away from an ugly truth.

SPEAKER_00:

It just shuts that conversation down, doesn't it? So then they're not in that uncomfortable space of needing to have a the conversation. They've kind of said their bit, ticked their box, and then they move on with their life. But from my point of view in that time, I just needed someone to tell me it was okay to feel sad. So by telling me, well, at least this didn't happen, or at least that didn't happen, it it just shuts you down totally. And then that's probably where a lot of the stigmas then come in and people stop talking about it, and then the suppressure feelings, don't talk, don't talk. And then you've got that whole other side that it then brings where people feel like they shouldn't feel this way and they shouldn't talk about this. And it's just kind of yeah, I think it it's like an education point, isn't it? That I've been watching this thing, it's a little bit off kilter, but I've been watching or following this journey of a girl on Instagram who has been doing rejection therapy. So she actively puts herself in uncomfortable situations to reframe her way she thinks about things of I don't know, like it's it's silly stuff like she drew massive eyebrows across her forehead and lipstick all round her face and went to the supermarket, and she was like, Nothing happens when we're uncomfortable. That's just within nothing bad happens to us. So her thing is like we should always try and actively explore the uncomfortable. But I suppose her angle is more on the visual uncomfortable as opposed to the inner.

SPEAKER_01:

Number one, that's that's interesting that someone is approaching, like purposely putting themselves in uncomfortable situations to explore what that is like and and how to better deeper understand both self and people, right? I think that's the I think that's the payout in in doing an exercise like that. Yeah, deeper understanding of yourself, you gain deeper understanding of of people and how you relate to people and how people relate to you and the reasons. Yeah, I I think that's I think that's brilliant. But I think that's the I think that's the key, right? In in essence, I think that's what we're saying. That's that is the only healthy approach in a situation like this, from the perspective of the person who is not experiencing the discomfort that you're living with. It's not even something that you're experiencing as a temporary thing, like that's something you live with forever for the rest of your life. You will always be, or that will always be part of your your story, right? Part of who you are, part of your identity. It shapes you in that way. So for people who have not gone through that, to actively not that you have to go out and and uh have a miscarriage or lose a child, no, but what would it look like? I guess that's the question. What would it look like to purposely expose yourself to the discomfort that the other person is living with?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. Oh, it's and even just having that conversation. So you don't have to have lived that experience, but when you're faced with those difficult conversations, you know, as people we just feel like we have to say something and something of benefit when actually you can just ask questions sometimes. So if you don't know what to say, you can just explore how they're feeling, just ask questions, say I don't understand it, help me understand, or you know, it's just yeah, it's just learning, isn't it? And it is just asking questions, it's not always having a solution or an answer, just exploring the uncomfortable a little bit more, as opposed to hopefully if I say something nice or that I've heard somewhere else, then it'll just this conversation will finish and we'll be done. Like just dive deeper sometimes, you know, like that social depth is so lacking that we just I don't know, I think we've just lost that. Or did we ever have it? I don't know, I don't know. It's so tricky, is it? Because then I'm thinking about my parents who would just be like, oh, don't talk about that, oh don't talk about this. As whereas now maybe social media has done as well in the sense of people are hearing more tricky conversations, and you know, we've got people who are talking about putting yourself out there and being uncomfortable. That maybe that education is coming, and that I don't know.

SPEAKER_01:

Because now you don't even need to go out looking for somebody else's business. It's gonna come to you through your through the algorithm. So that's on one thing. But also what has resulted out of that, in my opinion, is the sense of another form of platitude that masks itself as positivity. It's always has to be good, right? It the story always has to have some happy ending. We always have to have some soft lending. We always gotta say something motivational, some good vibes, right? Like I gotta, it has to be that. And so that's sort of that's become sort of this blanketed um mode of communicating with people, whereas I will engage with you, and ooh, the moment I start to feel like this is getting a little awkward, you know. Now I gotta I gotta say this thing to soften the edges of the discomfort, and that in itself has become a new form of platitude.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Right? The good vibes only.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, it's that whole thing, isn't it? Of the, I see it all the time on social media, and I just think, give it a break. The it's uh we've all got 24 hours in a day, it's how you choose to do yours that makes the difference, blah blah. Eat an apple and go for a walk, and like life will be perfect. And you're like, that level of pressure on someone who is dealing with something really heavy, and you know, heavy looks different to everyone, is it is so I don't know how to word this or how not to swear. Um it's so annoying. Like people can just be like you can just if you want to sit for an hour and have a good cry because the days felt a little bit rubbish for you, do it. Like we all have the right to feel and express those feelings how we need to to feel okay. And sometimes, I mean, I try and go for a walk. I love being outside, it definitely does bring me a lot of benefits. But if some days you don't want to go outside and you don't want to get fresh air, and you don't want to be told that I don't know, eating seeds on your breakfast are gonna make you feel great, and if you just do 10 push-ups and run around the park, your whole life will be like transformed and you'll feel amazing. And you just don't need to be told it, you don't need to hear it, just do what you want. Like, yeah, that whole positive vibes is frustrating, I find. But then I'm conscious of that with miscarriage mama, I am very solution focused. And at one point, I I look back now and I just think, oh my goodness, like what? I was like, if you go for a walk and you drink your two litres of water a day, like we all know that benefits us. We just don't need someone to give us a solution when we just need a bit of a mental hug and to be told that it's okay sometimes to feel like you don't want to drink water and go for a walk.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, I think what's common about what we're talking about is saying something that completely covers or dismisses is the proper word, the nuance that's required, right? That overlooks, like we were talking about earlier, the complexity of grief, the complexity of loss, the complexity of life, giving one blanketed statement that completely dismisses and overlooks all of that, whether it be something as callous as or or mindless as at least fill in the blank, or something that seems seemingly positive, like you can do it, you just have to toughen it out, or whatever the case is, whatever form of blanketed statement. That's the problem.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Right? I to me that's the problem. Trying to trying to summarize, trying to distill all of someone's problems into one little sentence or or or it it's it just doesn't do it.

SPEAKER_00:

And I just wonder if, you know, like I don't know, say someone was to say, oh, at least at least you can get pregnant. Like from the person hearing that or from the person saying that, do they like surely there's an awareness there that the person who's experiencing that loss isn't just gonna go, oh you're right. Thank goodness. Like, why am I so sad about this? Because at least I can get pregnant. You know, I did want want to have a baby and a child, but you know, like wow, thanks.

SPEAKER_01:

Like, I just don't, yeah, I can't I I don't know if this is I don't know if this is uh comparable, but that would be the equivalent of someone I think you you tell me if this lands or not. I think that would be the equivalent of you just having had a horrible car accident, and I come to you after you've lost your car, you're probably injured at the hospital, and I come see you, and I'm like, oh my god, Sophie, at least you have your driver's license.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, exactly that. You're like, oh, and oh, at least the tire didn't blow out on one of the wheels. Like it's just so I don't know. I don't I can't. Get my head around and I I don't think it's people trying to be horrible for one minute. I don't think it's I think it's like a level of ignorance and a level of not wanting to be uncomfortable. But you know, like when I I speak to people regularly and they'll say, Oh, so this to me, and I just think, like, what is going through your mind when you deliver that line? And you think, yeah, I nailed that. I've nailed I've I've cured their grief by saying that. Like, what like what do people think they're gonna gain from just shutting these conversations down? I don't know. I don't know.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, and I I guess that's the question that will remain unanswerable as long as platitudes continue to be a thing in in our society. What exactly is I would love to speak with uh, I don't know, a psychologist, a psychotherapist, uh someone who is an expert at dissecting uh people's uh thought patterns and you know what I mean to to create a profile to be like what could I possibly and and here's the thing I'm sure at some point in my life I've said plenty of platitudes. And right? I'm I'm sure you can say the same thing about yourself too. So it's not like we're exempting ourselves from this thing that seems to be a a deeply rooted problem in our society, period.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

What we are saying is because of our experiences now, we realize just how awful those moments, those personal moments, have been. And now there's this back reflection on man, this is like number one, I should have never said that, but I didn't know any better back then. Now I do. And now that we do know better, why does it still keep happening, even from people who should know better?

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

So there is the education piece, there is the lack of awareness piece. We're going to completely dismiss that there are actual people in the world who do that for fun. So we're yeah, we're not even gonna talk about those folks. Uh it's yeah, it it it doesn't serve anything, it doesn't solve anything. If anything, the takeaway from this conversation is that it's masking and it's robbing of an opportunity for genuine connection, the type of connection that is uncomfortable. But I've said this before, imagine the discomfort that the person who is living with the loss is living with in comparison to the discomfort that it feels for you as a support person as a temporary. And I think seeing it in that light, I mean it it I would hope that it would move someone to be like, okay, I have the option of ending this discomfort for me, but this person has to live with it for however long. You know? And maybe there's a maybe there's a trade-off there, I don't know.

SPEAKER_00:

People are just complex, aren't they?

SPEAKER_01:

We're people.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah. And I still don't understand. I am one and I still don't understand. Yeah. I think it's just uncouped that uncoupped, wasn't it? And I think people just don't want to be I don't know. I don't know what it is. Because even the I was just it just came to me then when I was reading something locally that a GP who's an MP has and I I reached out to this person because our local MP result was fantastic. She'd never experienced baby loss, but she went above and beyond all the all the time and with a lot of local charities. Um so I reached out to the new person who replied basically saying, What exactly do you want from me? Which I thought being a GP, I would expect some level of understanding and care. Um, but the newest thing that's come out is they're offering free tickets. So anyone who goes to GP practices within our local area are offered complimentary tickets.

SPEAKER_01:

Just for context, for those of us who are not in the UK, what is GP stands for?

SPEAKER_00:

Sorry, doctor. General practitioner. Um so you get these complimentary tickets to a local football team's match and that's gonna resolve your mental health problems. And I thought if I went, because I actually am a patient at this particular doctor surgery So with my four losses, had I gone and they offered me football tickets, I mean thank you for the tickets, but like it's just that uh it's that these are the professionals and even they're telling us that we just need to be proactive and have a solution. And I just don't I don't know where I'm going with the the point, but um yeah, it's just that thing, isn't it? If there's always got to be a solution when sometimes the solution is having the uncomfortable conversations and that connection with an actual human being that is willing to listen and hear what you're saying, that's that probably is the best medicine any of us could have.

SPEAKER_01:

I think what you're pointing you you're putting your your thumb on is that platitudes are just the tip of the iceberg. Like that those are the things that we can see.

SPEAKER_00:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

But then underneath there is just this entire world world, yeah, of things, you know, that yeah, we're definitely not gonna solve that problem in one conversation, but it does begin with one conversation and raising the awareness that when someone is grieving, when someone is going through a particularly difficult time in their existence, when when someone is having a human existence problem, a glitch, there is no easy fix to any of it. And I know we know that intuitively. I know we know that. And like we said at the top of the conversation, it's a matter of the discomfort. That's why I'm so intrigued by that social media uh account that you follow of this young lady who purposely puts herself in uncomfortable situations. I truly believe that that is I I think that that's the secret sauce. What?

SPEAKER_00:

Get uncomfortable. Ask questions, you don't need to have the answer, you don't even need to really understand it, just get uncomfortable with going into their world and hearing what they've got to say. Give people space to talk instead of just feeling uncomfortable and wanting to run away from it, just walk into it.

SPEAKER_01:

I like that. Sophie, thank you so much for the time. Thank you for the conversation. Where can people find your platform? How can people support and get involved?

SPEAKER_00:

So we are on Instagram and Facebook, and it is the Miscarriage Mummer Support. And we've got a website too, which I always forget. We have got a website as well, and there's stuff on there about how you can support people as well as gaining support as well.

SPEAKER_01:

Thank you, Sophie.

SPEAKER_00:

Thank you very much. Thanks for having me.

People on this episode

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Kelly Jean-Philippe

Host